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With James, I'd once again come to a place where I couldn't recognize myself. I was still not quite ready for a long-term relationship I was tired of going without—I wanted to explore sex again.We'd essentially become roommates who never had sex anymore. And I wanted to do it with as many different people as I could without letting myself default to the familiar trap of monogamy.
Moving in with James, despite my deep reservations, was only the latest example.Before him, in a different relationship, I'd ignored our sexual incompatibility—and in turn my own pleasure.I found myself unsatisfied, depressed, and 30 pounds heavier.The pattern was clear: I was unable to articulate my needs in a committed relationship.A few years ago, I uprooted my entire life on a mission to find happiness.I had just quit a 15-year career in tech startups, moved across the country to New York, and enrolled in art school full-time.
I went from spending my days (and nights) taking international conference calls and building other people's businesses to reading poetry—and building stories of my own.
Serendipitously, my sweet boyfriend, James, also had a great job opportunity in New York, so we moved east together.
Outwardly, everything seemed perfect: a 47th floor apartment near Central Park with a doorman, a dog, and a beautiful man.
But one day, staring at the cardboard boxes we'd never unpacked, I realized I still wasn't happy.
I've always been a vocal feminist and a proper #Girl Boss—before it was even a thing.
But in my personal life, I've had a long history of putting myself second.