11-Apr-2016 17:46 by 4 Comments

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I suppose Duke Nukem Forever is finally being released, or has been released; due to Gearbox's bizarre staggered release date, I have absolutely no idea.When you read this, if you read it, which considering the amount Andore Jr.


Sometimes banging your head against the wall is much more fulfilling and interesting than producing timely video game funnies; sometimes jerking off to Dead or Alive 2 on the Dreamcast in spectator mode is much more fulfilling and interesting than delivering a much-hyped video game on its twenty-seventh deadline extension.So Duke Nukem Forever came out, and is apparently a competent but uninspired first person shooter.After fourteen years it set no one's brain or pubes on fire from its explosively innovative gameplay.All the things that Duke Nukem Forever promised are now standard features in the genre; the physics, the huge setpieces, the lack of irony or perspective.The only thing that makes it at all worthy of note is that we played some game in the mid-nineties and then they spent fourteen years doing research for the sequel into a wool sock - that, and the old, bearded prospector from the trailers.The Prospector made his first appearance in the 1998 trailer for the game; a trailer that showed off a game which was impressive looking for the time, and one which showed no indication of needing fourteen years of refinement to get the boobies and poop jokes ~just right~.

In a game known more for its sex girls (no one is ready for) and macho men, a wizened old prospector in an old west looking town seemed an ill fit for a trailer designed exclusively to show off how explodey their game was.

Yet the old prospector became a favourite among an elite core of video game players. Will Duke Nukem be there as merely a feint and will the game actually wind up being the story of our trusty prospector's journey into a web of lies and intrigue?

However, a lot of things change in fourteen years, the inexorable march of time spares nothing, not even a teenage boy's sex-deprived misogyny and underdeveloped sense of the transgressive.

As such, Duke Nukem Forever has long since become more enjoyable as a punchline than it is anticipated by persons like myself, and I personally have no real need to play it.

There is better objectification of women than Duke Nukem out there; better mindless, bloodthirsty action; better toilet humour and sexism presented without a hint of irony. None of us, because the human race spontaneously became sterile in 1990 and all you goddamn kids pretending to be a decade and a half younger than me are full of shit. Women are human beings and not blowjob machines for our adolescent power fantasy avatar, we shouldn't still be excited by illicit thrills that we hope our parents don't catch us in the midst of when we walk into an adult movie theatre, and poop... Duke Nukem should, by all rights, be completely obsolete.

Most of us have touched the genitals of another human being with the intention of giving pleasure. But of course, we live in a time when children's toys are given Hollywood films targeted toward young adult demographics, and, for better or worse, there is still a place in this world for a video game where you can pick up your poop.

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