Stop being accommodating in relationships
Stop being accommodating in relationships - Free Online
Far too many of us worry about being perceived as The Good Guy/Girl. There’s a hell of a lot of validation seeking going on.
We then get upset if we do experience conflict and decide that there’s no point in being assertive.When you believe that there are ‘bad consequences’ to having and maintaining boundaries, communicating your needs, wishes, and expectations, and essentially putting yourself ‘out there’, this is a reluctance to assert yourself for fear of ‘losing out’, even though you’re losing anyway.If you’ve been involved in unhealthy relationships including all manner of unavailable relationships such as being the Buffer on the rebound, or a Dreamer, or in an affair, or a secret relationship, or waiting on the fence for a flip-flapper to make a decision, this is passiveness.If you bust your own boundaries because you end up engaging in situations that detract from you and your values, this is passiveness because you end up accepting and allowing the boundary busting to continue (that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for their behaviour though) without having an active response (actions and words matching).Too many of us worry about being liked by ‘everyone’.I hear so many stories that go along the lines of, “This person and that person busted my boundaries and when I told them I didn’t like it, they ended it with me. Surely they could have apologised and tried to fix things?
” Er, let me give it to you straight: While there are of course misunderstandings, very obvious disrespect and certainly repeated busting of boundaries is not going to result in a situation where you tell them how upset you are with their behaviour and they go “OH…OK then. I totally didn’t realise and I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.” You really think a grownup doesn’t know when they’re pulling rinky-dink behaviour on you?
We also don’t realise how ridiculous it is for us to expect to tell someone that we don’t like who they are or how they behave and we imply or outright state that their current mode is not acceptable and that we need change, and then we get upset because we don’t like their reaction to being told that we don’t like who they are, how they behave, or that we want them to change.
Community Q&A Any type of relationship, whether it is between family members, people we work with, friends, or customers we serve, takes a lot of work to maintain and build upon.
And much of the cement that improves our relationships is developing trust, compassion, and acceptance of the other.
As well, differences must be taken into account – no two people are alike or have the same interests, and while you will naturally seek commonalities to share, accommodating both differences and compatibilities is essential for long-lasting connection.
I’ve been working on a class about assertiveness for Baggage Reclaim School because communicating your needs and wishes with respect and confidence is a huge part of not only increasing your self-esteem but also ensuring that you represent yourself adequately…even when there is a possibility that it might not be what other people want to hear, especially if it doesn’t suit their own agendas.